The Top 4 Worst Kinds of People on Tumblr. By Coty Andrews
Tumblr, I can’t lie to you good reader, it’s everyone’s favorite website. The thief of our time, and the addiction we have that isn’t as cool as heroine, but hey, we make do. You’re saying to yourself, “ hey, who the fuck is this guy, and what kind of rigmarole is he trying to pitch my way, what could be so bad about a website better than sex with Scarlett Johansson’s cousin?”. Well it’s not the site itself that can be bad, it’s the users. I suppose every website has its fair share of users who just shit on the experience for the rest of us. Today I’ll be pointing out, the top 4 worst kinds of Tumblrs.
No 4. Sally Suicidal.
Quite honestly, Sally Suicidal is on every social networking website you can name. I’m sure that there’s still one or two floating around on MySpace. Suicidal can usually be found posting pictures on Tumblr about how miserable they are, and the sheer futility of their own existence. Typically they post pictures of Jack Skellington, with Dashboard Confessional lyrics obnoxiously and cursively plastered upon it.
Sally Suicidal is in essence, a 13 year old girl, who is incredibly pissed off at the world on account of her vagina bleeding more profusely than the most everyone’s throat in Sweeney Todd.
Honestly, you’d be (or where) bitter about that as well at some period (word play) of time. But Suicidal goes way overboard into the ranks of Shakespearian /Greek tragedy with her woe, and misery.
One of the main reasons, Sally Suicidal drenches your dash with pictures of Blink 182, and Tim Burton posts, is because she thinks her parents should treat her more “like an adult”. Little do they know that years from now she will say “Thanks mom, in hindsight, getting a tattoo in that 28 year old drummers’ basement probably would have been a horrible idea.” But no, her mother is a bitch; her father is an asshole for not letting her do absolutely whatever she wants.
Last but not least I leave you with a warning about Sally Suicidal. She is guaranteed to make one post, at least one like this one
“ Reblog this if you think I shouldn’t kill myself”
Or the world famous goodbye world
“I fucking hate my mother for not letting me have cigarettes and give out handy-j’s.”
The very best way to turn Sally Suicidal, into Ivanka Iwannalive, is to basically talk to her about how senseless, stupid, and young she is
No 3. Shippers and Celebrity fan fictioneers First off calm down fan-girls, I have nothing against fan fiction, just ridiculous shipping. I mean a lot of the shipping I see on Tumblr, such as Poke shipping, Thoki, and so on. I mean first of all let’s take Pokémon for instance, am I the only one who remembers these kids are 10 goddamn years old. That’s right Poke shippers, re-evaluate your shit.
Let’s also take into account that Pokémon are animals no matter how large their breasts are, so bestiality is what you’re vigorously masturbating to.
But worse than the shippers of those sorts, are the dreaded writers of Celebrity fan fiction. It’s basically the absolute worst way to be a fan of someone; I mean if I could give you an exact number of shitty One Direction fan-fiction I’ve read on Tumblr, it would probably be approximately all of it. It’s just a severe delusion, pretending to be a certain celebrity that would probably get you institutionalized, only to be shouting about your cigarettes, and begging for something to be done about it if you were doing it outside of Tumblr. I suppose that’s why it’s the coolest website to me, but I digress.
Think about the famous celebrity in question. Ask yourself this before writing celebrity fan-fiction/ shipping. “If I was Tom Hiddleston read my fan-fiction, would he be so disgusted he quit acting?” or “ If Benedict Cumberbatch saw this picture you drew of him slathering Martin Freeman in olive oil, glitter, and Danny DeVito’s sweat, would he punch me in my fucking throat?”. Both are considered very reasonable and sound questions to ask yourself before shipping at all.
No. 2 The Porn People
That’s right you all saw this coming, if you have a Tumblr at all you’ve seen them. Maybe it’s just me but I come from a time when porn was something shameful, something you watched through the fuzz on Cinemax, with headphones in your television, sitting so close to the screen that your eyes bled after every interval of midnight masturbation. Apparently etiquette has changed. People are allowed to just post they’re most disgusting fetishes on a social networking site, and let the entire goddamn world know how they get their rocks off.
Think next time, “would I be reading a magazine, in a public venue, where the world could see this picture of a woman strapped to the most diabolical fuck machine known to man?” If your answer is yes, then I suppose go for it, doesn’t make it any less disturbing, but once again I digress. Remember kids, posting Tumblr porn is essentially public masturbation.
And the number one spot goes too.
http://kushandlyrikz.tumblr.com/ this guy is the absolute worst of all.
Seriously, the fact that a single user can be considered the worst kind of user on Tumblr shows just how shitty this individual has to be. A man who is a disgrace to being brown, rap lyrics, basically every kind of cap, and sneaker.
I’ll take a moment to talk about his most frequently used words. Let’s begin with swag, I don’t really even know what the fuck a swag is but I want it dead. I suppose it’s a play off the term swagger. Swagger used to be a bad ass word, swagger was pirates, swagger was the fucking Oakland Raiders back when they were good, and John Madden wasn’t annoying, or retired. Swag apparently is something that 8th graders have to compensate for the fact that they are insecure about the microscopic size of their genitalia. Second most frequently used word is haters. This time I know exactly what this word is, it’s basically saying that people that hate you are jealous, instead of admitting that you’re an asshole with tremendous glaring flaws, and even your own parents think you’re the shittiest kind of douchebag. Haters is basically an all all-powerful word people now use to make them feel like the good guy, when people genuinely hate the fuck out of them.
That’s the normal douchebag, kushandlyrics happens to be a new, more potent breed of douche. Instead of using swag as a way of just compensating for his near invisible penis, he uses it to justify every single action a human could possibly do, no matter how vile and inhuman. Also he uses it as a way of making himself feel better about the fact that his brain is almost as big as the testicles of a newborn female squirrel. Who needs to a job, a brain that can only function to haphazardly say swag and YOLO, and a penis that has only been brushed against by a 13 year old girl at the movie theater by accident, and prematurely shoots everywhere leaving a horrible stain in the confines of your skinny jeans, when you have “swag”.